How to Get Your Child Out of the Family Bed
Ever hear the expression you don’t miss something until it is gone? This is how it is with sleep. A good night’s sleep is taken for granted until we are deprived. High in the ranks of the sleep deprived are new parents.
In order to get sleep, many parents take their baby into their bed. This usually works for a while. However, small, snuggly babies can soon turn into toddler-sized bed hogs. There are those who adopt the family bed and sleep blissfully throughout the night. Naturally, these folks don’t seek my consultation. I see the bleary-eyed parents seeking a good night’s rest.
Some have read Dr. Sears books on attachment parenting and worry that taking back their bed will compromise parent-child bonding. But there is no clinical evidence of this. Babies need love, routines and limits to feel secure and emotionally attached. When a child is granted these essential elements throughout the day, emotional attachment is retained in the child’s memory. Consequently, they can manage brief separations (such as nighttime) without negative consequences—even if there are tears. And there will be tears.
So what are the steps to liberation and sleep for all? First, parents must believe it is in their child’s best interest to sleep independently rather than in the family bed. It is hard to make the change because the toddler will pull out all the stops to resist change. There will be protest and a persistent path from their bedroom to Mommy’s side of the bed. Parents must be committed to be consistent. Parents who are ambivalent should keep sleeping with the bed hog.
In two parent families, both parents must agree to this change. In many cases one parent wants junior out of the bed, while the other relishes the closeness, even if this means sleep deprivation and compromised parental intimacy. Occasionally, the child becomes a shield that is intended to reduce parental intimacy. Obviously this is the first priority to resolve.
Parents should develop a reasonable plan. At its essence, this plan must be focused on helping the child find sleep independently. If the parent remains until the child goes to sleep, this is NOT independence. When the child wakes and Mommy is not there, he will need her back to find sleep again. He should go to sleep where he is expected to stay asleep.
Involve your child in your plan. Make a book together that outlines the changes in pictures. Read the story together often so he understands the changes and what he will be expected to do. Give him ways of comforting himself, such as hugging a blanket. Included in the plan must be a consistent bedtime ritual (such as bath, books, songs) and a regular, early bedtime.
Respond, rather than react, to the crying. Responding means supporting, and empathizing. Reacting is trying to make the crying stop. Remember crying is a child’s most potent means of expression; it doesn’t always have to be suppressed. Crying does not signal feelings of rejection. It usually means “I’m tired; this is hard!”
Finally, parents need to be consistent. This is at the root of most sleep training failures. Parents may try and then they give up. This strengthens the child’s resolve to protest. Sticking with it says “You can do this!”
If a good night’s sleep is not incentive enough to make a plan, consider the fact that sleep facilitates brain development. It is hard to make this change, but at the end of the process baby is wiser and Mommy is calmer; everyone’s a winner.
Good night!
I offer consultation to parents regarding sleep issues. I fact this is among the most frequent issue parents of babies and older children face. It is possible to get your child to sleep in his or her own bed and I believe it is beneficial to children as well as parents. Don’t wait. Call 504 581-3933 to get more information.