Shepherding the Teenage Dream: How to help Kids Find Their Purpose and Passion

Thanks to Erik Erikson the idea of “identity crisis” created great buzz in the mid to late portion of the last century. While this term is no longer a standard household phrase, self discovery is still the work of adolescence.   However unlike the 1960’s and 70’s the path for many teens today may be less influenced by personal choice and deliberate self reflection than in the past.  Helicopter parents buzz overhead.  These days most kids’ schedules are planned and dictated by parents. Electronics keep the mind in a constant state of distraction. Due to founded or unfounded safety concerns children no longer wander unsupervised to enjoy nature or work things out with neighborhood kids.   Even hobbies, summer experiences and jobs may be carefully selected by parents to make a good appearance on college applications. And grades have become the sine qua non of teenage life for college bound students. How does this reality impact the process of “finding one’s self” in adolescence? How can parents help?

First it is important for parents to recognize that identity formation is indeed a critical developmental task of adolescence- especially today when there are so many paths a child is free to consider (career, gender identification, sexual orientation). Children should be the primary agent of their own choices in life; however one first has to know one’s true self. Parents can have a role in this process, but not to dictate or decide.  Responsiveness can help teens find their path to self discovery.

Neuroscience has shown us that the process of thinking about one’s self (introspection) helps to develop brain structures (dorsal medial prefrontal cortex) that promote identity formation. Allow your child to question, explore, ponder and try new things. Encourage unstructured time for your child to just be (limit screen time). Provide a secure base that the child can return to. Listen and do not judge, guide but do not lead. Allow your child to be him or herself (individuation) and recognize that your child’s goals may not be what you had in mind.  Encourage children to ask critical or “why” questions about politics, religion and other things; then discuss.  Parents can ask open ended questions to engage with their teens and get them talking. Avoid preaching at all costs. Teach by listening, reflecting and sharing not by telling them what to do or think; this is responsiveness. Try to instill freedom of thought and expression.  Help them identify talents and passions- encourage but don’t push. Down play awards, A’s and winning. Help your child develop a sense of what is possible- what Carol Dweck calls a “Growth Mindset.” This means allowing your child the freedom to make some mistakes and learn from them. It is better to be present when your child fails or falls in order to process the situation and help the child grow from it.

The development of a sense of purpose is important in the process of identity formation.  Becoming socially connected by volunteering, or joining a group can help.  Practicing mindfulness and spirituality are also valuable in this process. Help children explore new experiences by traveling, assuming a new role, participating in new religious or cultural practices. Exploring new things helps your child find their path even if they do not like the experience very much. Above all respect that your child is a unique person and let him or her learn from good and bad experiences. Give them a safe platform to question, argue, rebel, and figure things out. Erikson taught us that “In the social jungle of human existence, there is no feeling of being alive without a sense of identity.” Parents matter when it comes to a child’s sense of self, but it is the child who must find his or her own way.