Axing the Anxiety: Some strategies for conquering the “worry brain”
Anxiety is one of the most common mental health issues in young children. The tendency to be nervous is often related to genetics. However, certain experiences influence the severity and duration of anxiety. Fortunately, children can learn to control anxiety with assistance from adults. One of the first things I tell a worried child is that they can learn to boss back their “worry brain.” I say: “Worry is like a bully that you can push back.” This process involves a series of steps.
The first step is for children to understand anxiety and to demystify it. Three things are involved in anxiety: thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Different people can think in different ways about the same event. For example, some people are afraid when a dog approaches, while others welcome the wagging tail. With some “brain exercises” it is possible to manage thoughts, feelings, and behaviors about a certain situation or stimulus. As part of this first step, the child has to identify all sources of fear and to rate his degree of fear in certain situations (a worry meter can be used for this). It is helpful to become aware of how the body reacts to fearful thinking, including increased heart rate, sweat, and nausea. Once the child learns how anxiety affects his thoughts and responses (physical reactions), then he becomes aware of how this makes him behave – such as avoidance, or seeking reassurance from his parents.
The second step is to practice realistic thinking. Worriers tend to overestimate the probability of bad things happening and how bad the consequence will be. Just like a detective, the child must learn to use evidence from past experiences and general information to see if something bad is really probable and how severe the outcome may be. For example, when her dad is a bit late to pick her up from Karate, she may practice logical or detective thinking to gage the situation. She may think “has dad ever forgotten me?” “Is it more likely that he has forgotten me or that he is stuck in traffic?” This sort of thinking can change automatic thoughts and beliefs, but it takes lots of practice and encouragement from parents.
Step three is about relaxation. Parents can help children practice deep breathing, thinking pleasant thoughts and reducing stress. Massage, progressive relaxation scripts, regular exercise, and even yoga can help children practice relaxation. Practice is the key to success.
In addition to these steps, parents can help their child by refraining from excessive reassurance. Parents who constantly reassure the child that the doors are locked are inadvertently feeding the “worry monster.” Dictate a regular time of day when children can discuss all of their worries. Then avoid excessive dialogue about anxieties and fears. In addition, children should not be allowed to avoid situations just because they provoke worry. With patience, parents should help the child change thoughts and behaviors about fearful situations while the child practices new ways of thinking and staying calm. Parents can then reward brave behavior.
As anxious parents tend to have anxious children, the parent’s own fears may get in the way of setting and maintaining firm limits. For example, a parent who was afraid to sleep alone as a child may not set limits about their own child’s independent sleeping. Parents must make sure that their own anxieties do not get in the way of their child’s progress. Parents must be confident in their limit setting and in their child’s ability to take charge of their fears.
Like a mean old bully, anxiety can rob children of experiences that enrich their lives and learning. But these clinically proven steps can help. It takes motivation, practice, and time, and it takes caring adults to help the child realize that they can conquer and control their “worry brain.”